


Reignite

by GhostxofxArtemis



Series: John Shepard [2]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Cunnilingus, F/M, Longing, Oral Sex, POV Multiple
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-14 23:01:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29054058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GhostxofxArtemis/pseuds/GhostxofxArtemis
Summary: Commander John Shepard was sent to Horizon to stop the Collectors' from abducting another colony. He reunites with a former squad mate...and lover. Old buried wounds reignite for one, while new wounds are create for the other.
Relationships: Male Shepard/Ashley Williams
Series: John Shepard [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2128101
Kudos: 2





	1. Oh Captain, My Captain!

**Author's Note:**

> This is written for a prompt I received on Tumblr for "Longing." It was suppose to be a kissing prompt, but every time I wrote it up it would turn into "lust," thus, I had to separate Ashley and John. So I decided to go back to ME2 after the Horizon Encounter. The results are as follows. First chapter is written in Ashley's POV.

The pain, the regret. How she wishes she could take all her words back. He was right there. _But was it really him though? He very much looked like him. He hugged like him. Smelled like him..._ She keeps going back to those thoughts. _What is Cerberus trying to pull?_ Why is Anderson stonewalling her every time she asks him about it?

She had moved on… at least _she thought_ she did. He had been taken away from right under her just as quickly as he had been thrust into her. It seems like history has a way of repeating itself. Because, fate brought _him back_ to her on Horizon. Then gone, once more. 

For the last two years she sought solace in her poetry, other men -something she had never done before- and searched for answers at the bottom of so many bottles, but the answer still eluded her...she remains... _empty_ … _numb._ Perhaps she hadn't moved on like she had thought... _Why did he have to be taken away from me?!_

Ashley spreads her legs a bit further, adjusting her hips a little higher. Here she was back to old patterns. Trying to feel something. _Anything but this void!_

"It's the _little guy_ in the canoe," she huffs, rolling her eyes.

_Christ! It's not that hard!_

She has yet to find another man as passionate as _he was_ , one who could deliver like _he did…_

_Damn it!_

A strangled cry escapes her lips and she covers her mouth with the back of her hand, biting into her skin. She needs a distraction, something that will keep her from going back to the memories of that night… _Their night… Ilos._

She hadn't let herself think of those memories for more than a year now…

She feels wet traces climbing up her thighs, her abdomen, her neck before it reaches her lips. She accepts it, lets him part her lips, lets their tongue explore each other. Their breath quickening, as he bites down on her lower lip, as she bites back down on _his..._

Disgusts fills her void and she recoils. _It's not him! It’s not Shepard! Shepard isn't here! He’s out there, somewhere, fighting the Collectors… saving the galaxy again!_

"Was it that bad?" He props on his elbow, eyebrows furrowing together in wonder. It reminds her of Shepard. The way Shepard would crease his brows when he was wondering about something, or in deep concentration or when he got angry. _Gosh, he’d crease at almost anything, really_. Her chest tightens, it feels like she can’t breath. 

She shoves him away while rolling off the bed in her hotel room, pulling the bed sheets with her, cocooning herself in them.

"Get out!" she demands.

"Woah, I didn't come yet. At least give me a damn blowjob,” he rudely reminds her, both hands pointing down towards his erection.

"I said get out!" Ashley points a finger to the door for emphasis. Standing her ground, glaring at him. 

He rolls off the bed, pulling his pants back on. He grabs his shirt as he makes his way to the door. 

"Fucking bitch! You can lose my number. You and I are done! I should have known better than to date an Alliance Marine… you're all the fucking same! _Heartless!_ Your façade about loving poetry…. Yeah it ain't fooling anyone!" he yells at her.

"Well you aren't exactly a walk in the park either!" she calls out to him just in time before the door closes behind him.

_Asshole!_

Ashley lets the bed sheet fall onto the floor as she makes her way to the washroom. She turns the water on for the shower, and steps in. She washes herself vigorously with the soap, hoping it washes the pain away, like the way it washes off the dirt, grim and oil from a hard day scrubbing her weapons and armor clean after a mission.

It doesn’t. 

She crumbles, knees giving out beneath her as she brings her arms tightly around her midsection, hugging herself. Her tears mingle with the water as it trails down her face. 

The water hits her skin on every inch of kiss _he_ used to trail his lips on; her eyelids, her cheeks, her neck, her lips, how he’d caress her breast with his calloused hands and his lips, then trail down her abdomen before he’d reach down her region between her legs. The way he’d growl, so turned on by her wetness. The memory causes her to throb. It only reminds her more of the night before _Ilos..._ and every other night that followed. How she would explore every inch of his skin. How they would playfully wrestle for control as she reached his lips, causing her to go into fits of giggles. How they would lie in bed naked next to each other after they made love, reading their favorite poetry to each other. His fingers tracing along the side of her waist as she read to him, then her back, then his lips would retrace the very spots his fingers had left their mark. Remembering how it drove her insane, causing them to go at it all over again.

Her body shakes… it longs for the chance to have all of this again, _even for just one last time..._

She doesn’t know how long she sat crying, but the cold water was indication that it had been long enough. She sniffles, rubbing her face with her hands, then tilts her head backwards, letting the water wash away the rest of the tears, before turning off the water. 

She steps out of the shower, and dries herself off with a towel, then wraps it around herself. There’s only one thing she can do right now. It won’t take the pain away, the deep longing she has for him...but it may help move forward. 

Ashley pulls out the office chair from where it’s tucked under its desk, then sits on it. She turns on the terminal, tapping her fingers against the desk as she waits for it to power on. Perhaps if Shepard knew how she felt… _just maybe then..._ She opens her messages, clicks on the “create new message” button. She takes in a deep shaky breath, then exhales slowly. She begins to write her message:

_Subject: Hey there._

_I'm sorry for what I said back on Horizon._


	2. Some Work Of Noble Note, May Yet Be Done

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Commander Shepard is off building his team... yet a feeling of longing persist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is in John's POV. 
> 
> I huge thank you to BardofHeartDive for the beta! You're fantastic!

Kelly turns around as John enters the CIC. He’s furious, the meeting with Illusive Man did not go well. He’s furious, ear red furious! He put the lives of his crew in danger, most importantly, he put Ashley’s life in danger on some _theory!_ If he didn’t need the Illusive Man’s resources for this mission…

If he hadn’t made it on time… _she could have been taken… then what? Would she have been gone forever?_

He almost trips on his own feet as he makes his way to the CIC. 

“I saw the report on Horizon, Commander. What you did was amazing. The report mentioned that Ashley Williams was there. How did that go?”

John takes a deep breath to try and calm his nerves. He hopes it isn’t too obvious to the psychologist standing in front of him. His chest felt heavy since he left Horizon. 

“We’ve been through a lot. I wish we could have had more time together.” 

“Do you have strong feelings for her?” 

John shuffles on his feet. Silently cursing at himself. _Of course she didn’t miss the subtle sign._

“Ashley is an incredible woman. I didn’t like saying goodbye.” 

“I’m sorry. Parting ways with someone so close is never easy.” 

_At least she sounds genuine in her statement._ Though, it does nothing to take the pain away. A reminder of what he had lost during the past two years. Thoughts of what _could have been_ flood his mind. All those missed opportunities… cooking in the kitchen together, wrestling in bed, reading poetry to each other… _and so much more..._ Somehow, that stings more than Ashley’s words. _How could you just turn your back on all of us? You betrayed the Alliance...Anderson. You betrayed me._

_Damn it, Ash! Why wouldn’t you let me explain!_

“I appreciate that, but I’ll be okay.” He nods at Kelly as he walks by, passing her to head up the bridge, he figures he might as well check up on things up there. It’s all lies of course. He has to walk away, before he just stops breathing altogether. 

He walks up to the bridge. Joker swivels around to look at John. Joker’s shoulders are tense, he’s chewing on his bottom lip.

“Hey, Commander. That’s uh, that’s pretty crazy the people you can run into out here, huh? I mean it was probably a setup or something, but it was still good to see Ash. Operations Chief Williams, wasn’t it?” 

_Great, him too._ John feels the tips of his ears turning red. 

“We talked, but things have changed. We let it go.” John shrugged his shoulders. The tightness in his chest, the beat his heart skipped, says otherwise. 

Joker releases a sigh of relief, “Oh good, because I was not looking forward to your mood if that went bad. There’s a reason I don’t date crew, Commander.” 

“You’re a real pal,” John retorts, he shakes his head, turns on his heels, tracing his steps back to the CIC. He’s really not in the mood for Joker’s antics right now. He’s got a list of squad members in need of assistance, with a clock counting down the time until the next colony gets hit by the Collectors. Time really isn’t on their side right now. 

~n~

Nights turn into days, days turn into nights. They just seem to blend together. Yet, there’s this persistent tightness in his chest that doesn’t seem to want to go away. It’s the down time between missions that it’s at its worse. 

The cabin. How many times did he grip the back of his office chair until his knuckles turned white? Breath caught in his chest… Waking up in an empty space next to him. The silence, other than the bubbling noise from the fish tank and the sound of the recycling air, was deafening. The echo of his own thoughts going to places he really ought to not think of… it made it _worse._

The empty bottles of whiskey started to pile up. What made it worse, no matter how much he drank, it just didn’t have the effect it used to before he died. _No more goddamn hangovers._

He’d lie in bed thinking back to _their night before Ilos_ , and every other night that followed afterwards. Remembering her touch as she trailed her fingers along his abdomen, the feel of her lips against his, the way she giggled as they playfully wrestled to gain control on the bed. Remembering how they lay naked in his bed, in the captain’s quarters on the SR-1, as she read her favorite poetry to him after they made love, while he explored her skin with his fingers. Remembering how she tasted as he retraced those same lines with his lips, which would drive her insane, bringing them to go at it all over again… _Stop!_

His body aches...it longs for the chance to have all of this again, _even for just one last time..._

“Commander. You have new messages at your private terminal,” Kelly’s voice comes in one ear and out the other every time he walks through the CIC . She’s almost a robot at this point, _or perhaps he’s half robot at this point,_ telling him every time he passes by, who wants to see him, problem with this, Illusive Man wishes to speak to you, new messages. _It’s all the same._

He glances at his messages… _Ashley._ He can’t bring himself to open it… _not yet._

~n~

Shepard walks into the CIC, his meeting with the Illusive Man ended just mere moments ago. The Collector's base had been a close one. If EDI hadn’t acted fast...he didn’t want to think about it. 

Kelly turns around to look at him, her eyes a bit more glossier than usual. 

“You had me so worried when you were trapped on the Collector ship. Thank goodness for EDI.” 

“That sounds more than just professional concern, Kelly.” More and more John grew to appreciate Kelly. She may be a bit naive, but she is a wonderful person. Truth be told, the crew is full of nice people… too bad they are working on the wrong side. The Alliance would do better with their skills. He can only hope that with his leadership and guidance, they’ll come to notice it before it’s too late. 

“You’re more than just my commander. You’re my friend. EDI brought you back to me. If she had a body, I’d give her a big hug.”

Holding a hand palm up, John asks “I’m standing right here. Where’s my hug?” Truth be told, he could use one right about now. It’s not the same, but it feels nice to have some contact. 

Kelly chuckles shyly, shuffling on her feet “Oh Shepard… I wish there were time to get to know you better.”

Maybe he could use this opportunity to talk to someone. There’s just so many people counting on him right now, someone to distract him from his thoughts, he needs to find some way to just bury his feelings deep inside him. Deal with them after… if he makes it out alive. 

“Why don't you join me in my cabin for a meal? It would give us the chance to talk.”

“That sounds wonderful. I’ve been hoping for some private time with you. Lead the way.” 

Kelly walks to Shepard’s ship collection, admiring them, “Wow, these are amazing…Oh!” 

A picture frame catches her eyes... _Ashley’s picture._

“Is this…?” She trails off as she picks up the frame to get a good look at the picture. John watches her reflection as it’s reflecting off the fish tank.

John tenses up as he sees her going for the picture of Ashley. His throat seems to be closing in on him, “Ash…” he barely manages to even speak out her name. It sounds strained, even to him. He leans up against the fish tank, looking at it but _not seeing_ the fish swim around blissfully as he takes in two raspy long breaths. 

“Commander?” Kelly asks, concerned. Giving him an invitation to talk when he’s ready as she gently places the picture frame back on its spot on his desk, like it had been untouched. 

A single tear trails down against the side of his nose. He wipes it away with the neckline of his uniform. “I miss her…” He hears himself saying. 

“I’m sorry, I asked you to come up here for a meal…” He forces an apologetic smile, then turns to look at her. 

Kelly tilts her head slightly, smiling knowingly. It’s almost like she’s saying _I know better…_

_You idiot...of course she knows better_. John sighs as Kelly walks past him, down the steps, and sits on one of the chairs. She pats the arm rest of the couch.

“Come. You need to talk about it.” 

“I don’t have to lie down, do I?” He quibs, half-heartedly, as he sits on the couch. He leans forward, elbows resting on his knees, as he rubs his face with his hands. 

She chuckles full heartedly, “Not if you don’t want to.” 

He takes his time. Figuring out how to form words. It’s like he forgot how to. 

When he finally does find his words again, he pours his heart out. 

~n~

The ship’s empty. So many people just... _gone._

It’s time to put an end to this. Time to go after the Collectors and bring his people back home. 

But there’s one last thing he has yet to do. 

John sits on his chair in front of his private terminal in his cabin. His hands shake, his stomach is in knots. He thinks he might throw up. He avoided it for this long… _but I can’t put it off forever. It’s now or possibly never. Last chance._

He scrolls through all his messages until he sees the only one left unread...the one from _Ashley._ He lingers on her name for a moment too long before he opens it and begins reading: 

_Subject: Hey there._

_Shepard,_

_I'm sorry for what I said back on Horizon. When I lost you two years ago, it tore me up. I prayed for you every day. I read a lot of Tennyson, thinking about you, just like I did when my dad passed. And then you came back, and it was like my prayers were answered. But I'm not who I was then, and neither are you._

_I don't know what's true anymore. Part of me can't believe it's really you. I keep going back to that night before Ilos, our night.... I haven't let myself think about those memories for more than a year now._

_I wouldn't have expected you to work for Cerberus, but I know why they sent you to Horizon. I saw how many people were lost there, and if anyone can stop the Collectors, you can. I can't go where you're going, but I can wish you luck._

_Just stay alive out there... Skipper. I don't know what the future holds, but I can't lose you a second time._

_\--Ash_

_Death closes all: but something ere the end,_

_Some work of noble note, may yet be done,_

_Not unbecoming men that strove with Gods._

He re-reads it. Once. Twice. A third time, committing her words to memory. 

He stands up and makes his way to his bathroom turning the water. He strips down completely, leaving his uniform in a pile of heap at his feet then steps into this shower. He leans his forearm against the wall, head resting against it, letting the water kiss his skin. 

_Just stay alive out there... Skipper. I don't know what the future holds, but I can't lose you a second time._

Those last words repeat themselves back in his head over and over again. A new sense of longing combined with hope washes over him again. He doesn’t know which is worse… because there’s nothing worse than a _false sense of hope._

His chest tightens, his breath caught in his throat as it closes on him.

He crumbles, knees giving out beneath him. He balls his hands into fists as they slide down against the wall. He repeatedly punches the wall as he unleashes a primal scream of his pain. His tears mingle with the water as it trails down his face. 

Time passes as he kneels, crying, the cold water was an indication that it had been long enough. He sniffles, rubbing his face with his hands, then tilts his head backwards, letting the water wash away the rest of the tears, before turning off the water. 

He steps out of the shower, and dries himself off with a towel, then puts his uniform back on, then makes his way back to his desk. He stares at Ashley’s photo with a new sense of purpose. He cracks his knuckles, then makes his way to the elevator to head down to the conference room. 

There’s only one thing he can do right now. He’s going to blow the Collectors’ home skyhigh, and he’s going to fight damn hard to make sure he gets a chance to come back home. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Playlist:  
> Don't Forget About Me, by Cloves  
> Love You Any Less, by Rag'n'bone Man  
> Tomorrow Never Came, by Lana Del Rey (ft. Sean Ono Lennon)  
> Lying from You, by Linkin Park  
> I Heard I Had, by Dear Rouge  
> God Knows I tried, by Lana Del Rey  
> Numb, by Linkin Park  
> The One That You Love, by LP  
> Lost On You, by LP  
> Jungle, by Emma Louise  
> Underflow, by Emma Louise

**Author's Note:**

> Anyone else found it strange that Kaidan mentions in his email that he went out on dates to try and move on, while on the other hand Ashley did not? I have no reason to be believe she didn't do the same. So in my headcannon she dated a few guys during the two years Shepard was dead. My Shepard remained "faithful" throughout ME1-ME3.


End file.
